By Gina M. Barrett
The loss of a long-standing and active community member Paul Shippee inspired me to write this wellness column.
Paul played a major role in resolving conflict in Crestone. He consistently offered Nonviolent Communication (NVC) training to the community and was usually the one who was called upon to help resolve conflict when it arose at public meetings and in community groups.
Navigating the vortex and off-grid lifestyle of Crestone is no joke, especially during the challenging season of extended periods of high winds and the unbearable mosquitos in the summer. When we are stressed with basic survival and when one’s mood is affected, it can be challenging to communicate with kindness.
Below are communication techniques that can be learned quickly. Once learned, all that is required is a commitment to practice and use these skills, rather than returning to old ways of communicating.
How to get started
• Take the time to communicate.
• Take the solo time you need to breathe through any raw emotions. Communicate when you can be calm and less attached to the outcome. Receive support (e.g., counseling or emotional clearing) if needed.
• Remember that the intention of clear, honest, and loving communication is to get along.
• Focus on the other person’s feelings and needs. We all want to be heard and understood.
• Identify your role in creating the conflict before you begin to resolve it. Come to conflict resolution with humility. Begin sharing your needs by using the word “I.” For example, “I feel upset, sad, and angry when I experience (fill in the blank).”
• Stay away from “the story.” Rehashing it does not serve anyone and, often, shared stories are perceived differently by each individual involved. Clarifying “the story” can get you into a long, drawn-out discussion that will, most likely, lead to agreeing to disagree. Instead, keep it simple.
• How lovingly can you communicate your feelings and needs without blaming? Let go of ego and the need to pass blame, even if blame makes you feel better. By releasing ego and attachment, notice that the conflict begins to slip away. Life becomes more easeful.
• Give all involved an opportunity to fully express their feelings and needs. Listen and reflect back exactly what you are hearing.
Dialoguing is another technique that is a step-by-step approach to communicating. It includes the use of non-activating words to express needs and feelings. This technique has proven to be very effective. When you notice that you are in a power struggle and not listening to each other’s feelings and needs, stop arguing and ask for dialogue. When others feel heard and understood and don’t experience a need to win or lose the argument, conflict dissolves.
*These are suggestions and not meant to be a prescription for your unique individual needs. Practice with awareness and agency. Seek a medical professional to discuss your options.
Many of Gina’s suggestions can be found in her free ebook Connection Post Pandemic, 2nd edition of Lighter: Living Tantra.
Gina M. Barrett, MIA, C-IAYT is an international author, trauma informed yoga therapist, somatic eastern movement educator and equine therapist. To learn more about Gina and to receive her free ebook, visit www.ginambarrett.com.