By Chantelle Pence
It’s all love. But it’s not all light. How do we face the darkness on our planet, in our community, or within ourselves, with compassion? No one will get through life without facing difficulties such as divorce, disease, disturbing news, a difficult neighbor or any other situation that creates tension. There is no getting around what is.
Most folks live from a reactive state rather than conscious awareness. Compassion often flies out the window when our brain goes into survival mode. When confronted with something unwanted, our animal body instinctively goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Marcy Vaughn, cofounder of The Compassion Project and a practitioner of Tibetan Buddhism for more than 50 years (she is a senior student of Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche), offered tips and strategies for cultivating compassion in stressful situations.
“It begins with yourself,” Marcy said. We cannot hold true compassion towards another unless we include ourselves in the equation. By noticing the sensations and feelings within our own body, as we interact with another, we are more able to determine a healthy way of relating. Marcy learned the hard way that being “nice” is not always the compassionate route. She shared an example of discounting her own intuition, before becoming adept at practicing compassion.
“I was in a small room when this individual walked in, and I immediately experienced discomfort in my belly.” Her initial impression was that the person in her space was “dark” in some way. She suppressed the feeling that was asking for her attention, so she could act nice to the individual before her, who was charismatic and described as a healer. She discounted the sensations in her body, and abandoned her relationship to herself to try to be in relationship with another. It didn’t end well. The painful experience taught her that compassion must include self.
Marcy has since learned to make space for the truth of what is. She has found the present moment in any situation to be the doorway into embodied compassion. She doesn’t fight against reality. If aversion is there, she acknowledges it and makes room for the message it brings. It could be an indicator of danger, or a relic of the past that needs healing. “It’s never about the other.” Marcy said. Yet, at the same time, it’s learning how to dance with others in the world we all share.
Attempts to bypass the difficult realities of life often lead to more difficulty. One can become a hermit, only to face discomfort on a trip to the grocery store. One can go on a sedation vacation, only to have a hangover when the high wears off. Spiritual bypassing is a common tactic for those who dwell in the “love and light” community. But that method lacks muscle, and crumbles under pressure.
The Compassion Project offers a way to make room for the dark and the light. “It’s not a philosophy of getting rid of anything.” Marcy said. It’s a way to face reality, and cultivate inner stability while interacting with a chaotic world. To become powerfully loving, not blindly empathetic. Begin with yourself. Keep yourself safe, but try to avoid the act of pushing anything or anyone away. Make space within yourself, through breathwork and meditation. Learn to regulate your nervous system.
“Sometimes love is cutting.” Marcy said. It’s not all soft. It’s not all peaceful. But it is all love.
Marcy Vaughn, cofounder of The Compassion Project, will be leading a workshop in Crestone on Aug. 10 to teach practical tools for embodying compassion during difficult times. To learn more, email Retreat@edmDharmaworks.org and reference “Marcy Vaughn 10 August retreat” in the subject line.